


The Peeper

by pearlsapphiresnapdragon



Category: DCU, Justice League, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Humor, Parody, Tabloids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-03 14:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1747373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlsapphiresnapdragon/pseuds/pearlsapphiresnapdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The latest, hottest, most accurate gossip coming out of the Hall of Justice!</p><p>Short articles from the DCU’s premier tabloid. Current headline: </p><p>Amazons Descend on Bat Manor</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dark Knight’s Alien Baby

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody and not meant to be taken seriously at all. Assume in-universe characters would treat it with as much credence as you would a real world tabloid, the kind that might have a headline like: "New Evidence Confirms Time-Travelers Shot Lincoln!"

Tongues are wagging today in the Hall of Justice as news of a very special test tube baby spreads like wildfire. A source close to Superman has confirmed that genetic material from the Man of Steel and Gotham’s Knight has been fused to create the world’s first Kryptonian-human hybrid.

“Well, they’ve been in love for years and the technology was there. It was only a matter of time before they decided to take this step,” comments our source.

No wonder the Super couple was spotted at an ultra-upscale baby boutique in North Gotham Wednesday night. The pair reportedly picked out several onesies in gender-neutral colors, giddy Superman a sharp contrast to his dour partner. Witnesses initially speculated the onesies were a gift for Hawkgirl’s upcoming baby shower, but in light of recent developments, it seems the daddies-to-be couldn’t wait to get started on their own baby shopping!

“Right now the ‘baby’ is just a puddle of cells in a Petri dish. It’ll be a few more days before the embryo is implanted into a surrogate.”

When pressed for the name of the surrogate, our source became tight-lipped. But fear not, loyal Peepers! Your number one JLA news outlet has learned from another of our multitude of trusty anonymous sources that the surrogate will be none other than Wonder Woman herself.

“They considered her first of any of the other female Leaguers, of course, and she told them she couldn’t be more honored by their trust. She’s ecstatic about the whole thing.”

But are the expectant fathers beginning to regret that trust? Yet another source, this one a close Batfamily friend, has revealed that foundation-shaking shouting matches have broken out in the SuperBat household over the decision. Coincidentally, seismographs in Gotham have registered increased activity over the past few weeks.

“You see, Supes was the one who pushed for Wondy – out of sentimentality, really. Batman had a more pragmatic choice in mind, someone unconnected to the League, with less of a proclivity for swinging swords around and beating up baddies, but Supes forced it. He went straight to Wondy and asked her to help him convince Bats and, well…I’d like to see _you_ try to deny Wondy something she wants when she’s in full Amazon princess mode.”

A baby on the way, relationship troubles brewing and baby mama drama poised to strike. Looks like our favorite power couple is in for a rough nine months. And we’ll be on your newsstand with every juicy detail!

 

* * *

 

 **AN:** Thank you for reading!

I’d like to do more of these. I’m pretty sure I’ll do more of these. BUT I MAKE NO PROMISES.


	2. Black Canary Is Pregnant – And Married!

You heard it here first, Peepers!

The latest in a rash of League pregnancies followed by whirlwind shotgun weddings – there must be something in the water! – the blond femme fatale has yet to publicly announce her condition. Speculation as to the identity of the father/groom runs rampant, but a disgruntled JLA insider assures The Peeper that Green Arrow is the proud papa.

“Oh yeah, it’s totally Emerald Tight-pants. GA’s bouncing off the walls and rubbing it in everyone’s faces. He’s insufferable when he gets worked up like this, _you have no idea_. Even the villains are sick of it! By the time he gets to the ‘who’s your daddy’ puns, they’re on their knees begging him to just arrest them already. It’s been a really effective tactic in the field, actually.”

Our source insists that GA and BC have been an item for months now, a claim that seems to have some validity, if the dozens of paparazzi photos of on-the-job make-out sessions are any indicator. The two were first caught on camera way back in November, after interrupting a jewelry heist in Star City. Security footage from inside the shop picked up some unexpected action after the perps’ lights went out.

“With those two, it’s always impulse. Their first kiss, first mission together, and now the wedding,” gushes a bridesmaid who wishes to remain unnamed. In an exclusive, tell-all interview, she describes a torrid affair complete with romance, misunderstandings, and crossed stars. 

It began, as these things are apt to, when the superheroes met in passing at the Hall of Justice. Instantly drawn to each other, the two shared many a long look as they continued to spin in very different orbits. But it wasn’t until Black Canary approached Green Arrow with a request for assistance that the two finally collided and sparks flew.

The objective of their mission: To pull Wildcat, father figure (remember that, it’s important!) and former mentor to Black Canary, out of an underground cage-fighting ring. It was a disaster from the word go. The duo danced around the attraction between them, leading to arguments, misplaced jealousy, and even physical confrontations.

“Whenever they need to work through any kind of tension – and I mean _any_ kind – they take it to the training room. In fact, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say they spend more time ‘working things out’ on the training room floor than in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.”

Yes, we do, pervy bridesmaid. Yes. We. Do.

Their first mission together ended in a dramatic face-off between Green Arrow and Wildcat. To try to knock some sense into the venerable hero, Black Canary set up a fight between herself and her former mentor. However, Green Arrow beat her to the punch, literally. And Wildcat killed him.

That’s right, Peepers! Green Arrow, Black Canary’s newly minted husband and the father of her unborn spawn, is a recently risen member of the undead!

“There was a vampire in the audience, and when she saw Black Canary weeping over her fallen paramour, she was so moved she turned him on the spot so they could be together again.”

Naturally, Wildcat was horrified at the turn of events and has staunchly opposed the union of his ‘daughter’ and the new vamp ever since. He was conspicuously absent from the Las Vegas wedding two weeks past. Though his absence did cast a bit of a pall over the ceremony, pervy bridesmaid assures us that it was a lovely affair and the couple are stronger than ever.

"Oh, it was beautiful! The gown, the flowers, the venue, everything was just the epitome of uber high class. I can't get into the guest list, obviously, but  _everyone_  was there. In haute couture. You should have seen the bridesmaid dresses. Oh, and the tuxes! There are some mighty fine men in the Justice League!

"But back to the guests of honor, BC was glowing and GA cried like a baby. Speaking of, they can't wait to meet their little angel!"

As for the groom’s change in existential status, our informant had this to say, “He only eats bad guys and none of them have died from it yet, so BC’s cool with the whole bloodsucking reanimated corpse shtick.”

So, loyal Peepers, what do you think of this bombshell? How long do you think Green Canary will last and what manner of calamity might their inhuman offspring visit upon this world? Be sure to comment on our web site message boards!

* * *

 

 **AN:**  Thanks for reading!


	3. Young Justice: From Heroes to Hooligans

As an increasingly worrisome proportion of JLA members find themselves preoccupied by pregnancies, planned and otherwise, a disturbing trend seems to have taken root in the sidekick community. League mentees are believed to be behind a shocking wave of vandalism encompassing the whole of the Earth. At the forefront of this trend are some of the best known and arguably most dangerous representatives of the group: the team dubbed Young Justice by media outlets, currently comprised of Aqualad, Robin, Kid Flash, Superboy, Miss Martian, and Artemis.

Early warning signs that something was terribly wrong with the mini-League were numerous; anti-League graffiti in Happy Harbor, the infamous overnight disappearance of every last chair in Wayne Tower, the defacement-by-Sharpie of every Superman poster in Metropolis, and, of course, the replacement of the contents of all Queen Industries filing cabinets with toilet paper in Star City.

In hindsight, the QI Toilet Paper Travesty may have been a tragically overlooked foreshadowing of Young Justice's most dastardly deed yet.

"They abducted 1500 public toilets in 38 major cities in a single night!  _Fifteen-hundred toilets!_ " sobbed a frazzled Central City public works official as he presided over emergency plumbing at the Flash Museum Sunday morning. "I'm not even supposed to  _be_ here today! It's _Sunday!_  This is a  _catastrophe!_ " Vigorous nods of agreement swept down the line of urgently hopping citizens waiting to use the facility. 

Though Central City seems to have been hit the hardest, with no less than 382 of its finest hygienic institutions out of commission, the pain of over-full bladders is being felt around the globe. Relief efforts are underway in most places, with communities rallying together in this dark hour. Kind citizens from Seattle to Sydney have opened their bathrooms to strangers in need, and several major corporations have pledged millions of dollars in aid to the cities most affected. Wayne Enterprises and LexCorp lead the pack, to no one’s surprise.

But even with recovery underway, the question that remains for many is, _why?_ What could have driven the once-promising assortment of sidekicks to such lengths? Experts in adolescent psychology have offered up a number of possible explanations. 

“These acts are the desperate cries of _severely tortured souls!_ The _pressure_ to live up to impossible expectations, impress larger-than-life role models, face _vicious_ foes day in, day out…these kids have faced horrors most of us _can’t even imagine!_ Not to mention trying to keep their grades up. I mean, they’re _high school age_. It must be _tremendously_ overwhelming!” postulates one theorist at Happy Harbor University, holding back tears.

“Drugs! You can’t rule out drugs. And sex! Youngsters these days are all about drugs and sex. It’s in the genes,” grumps another.

“Or, you know, maybe they’re just jealous of all the attention the new babies are getting. Sibling rivalry and all that jazz,” counters a third.

A Peeper panel of in-house experts has analyzed several exclusive interviews with Young Justice associates and concluded that the baby mania at the Hall is indeed what pushed the teens over the edge.

“Boy Blunder was the first to snap. He overheard Batsy and Big Blue tossing around baby names and went cuckoo!”

That night, he took the Batmobile out for a joyride and totalled it. According to our source, he’s been addicted to the rush ever since and routinely wrecks Batvehicles in illegal drag races. The other sidekicks soon followed Robin’s destructive example.

Each of the Young Justice members have found their own outlet for expressing the turmoil they feel at being replaced. Superboy and Aqualad as underground thumb-wrestlers, Artemis as a door-slammer of unparalleled prowess, and Miss Martian as a soup kitchen cook (she’s apparently a little unclear about what constitutes rebellious behavior on Earth). In solidarity* with his friends, Kid Flash has developed a habit of righteous streaking through downtown Keystone City in nothing but his boots and goggles.

Attempts by League mentors to reach out to their wayward protégés have so far been met with surly obstinance and Linkin Park lyrics. All we can do is pray for the health and sanity of these poor, betrayed sidekicks and the victims left in their wake.

*The Peeper is, as of this printing, unaware of a Flash pregnancy. But that could change any day, so stay tuned!

* * *

 

 **AN:** Thank you for reading :-)


	4. Amazons Descend on Bat Manor

Big shake-ups at the Bat residence this week, Peepers. Following a dramatic dizzy spell in the skies above Metropolis, Wonder Woman has reluctantly moved in with her baby daddies.

While Superman is thrilled with the arrangement, Batman is less so. A Bat household staffer had this to say of the Caped Crusader’s initial response to having three superheroes – each with a lengthy list of formidable nemeses – under one roof, “[The staff who greeted Wonder Woman upon her arrival at the mansion] were all pretty sure Bats was having, like, an aneurysm or something.”

Fortunately, the Dark Knight keeps a wide range of medical personnel on retainer, including a cardiovascular specialist and, the newest addition, an obstetrician.

That cardiovascular specialist will certainly have his work cut out for him in the coming months. Before her honor guard had even finished unloading her things, Wonder Woman began planning a major redecoration of the Bat Manor.

“Wonder Woman was all, ‘you can’t sentence a child to grow up in this neo-Goth monstrosity!’ and Batman was like, ‘it’s not a monstrosity! it’s dark and soothing and – _what are you doing, step away from the drapes – aaaahhh the light, it burns!_ ’ and then Superman just picked him up and high-tailed it to the other side of the grounds.”

Batman then spent several days holed up in a private suite as far away from the wing set aside for Wonder Woman’s entourage as possible. During that time Superman, at the insistence of the Butler (“Oh yeah, [the Butler] wasn’t having any of their nonsense”), acted as the primary go-between for the two, relaying requests such as ‘Please keep your nasty black capes away from our laundry’ and ‘Please ask your Amazons to refrain from terrifying my footmen.’

Insiders say the stress took a horrible toll on the Man of Steel. Between managing a household at war, defending the world from the occasional threat to life as we know it, and running out at all hours for green enchiladas (Wondy’s most frequent craving), Supes was a mess. Something had to give.

In the end, Superman resorted to using that most devastating of superpowers, the Puppy-Dog Eyes (not to be confused with Heat Vision). Though they both held out valiantly against the onslaught for a few moments, the pregnant princess and brooding Bat have reportedly declared a ceasefire. Tensions at the Manor remain high, but no one’s been impaled yet. Wonder Woman and Batman have even had a few civil meals together, though none without Superman or the Butler present.

And where is Robin in all this, you might ask? Gone! The Boy Wonder stormed out of the Manor the night before Wonder Woman’s arrival. He’s since been spotted drowning his sorrows at several ice cream parlors around Central City, usually accompanied by Kid Flash.

* * *

 

 **AN:** Aaaaaahhhhh! Now I really want a Downton Abbey style fic about life at Wayne Manor, focusing on Alfred’s harrowing quest to keep the maids and footmen in line and also keep the Wayne family’s extracurriculars under wraps. Is there such a thing? Please, Internet, tell me this is a thing.

As always, thank you for reading! Your time and interest are much appreciated :-)


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